I am not really grounded anywhere, and I feel like a loose-leaf. I can’t seem to find a clear direction on where I am heading. I guess, deep down in me, I know what’s right, but I am just so easily influenced by others. I feel like I don’t have control over a situation, and I don’t have confidence in myself. I could be feeling happy now, but people’s opinions can change it in a split second. My emotions are easily swayed, and I kind of just let others decide how I am and what I am. I have always been the person who second guesses myself a lot. I feel excluded, not good enough, and I don’t have much trust in myself. Although I have a good job, a great relationship, and am financially stable, I am just not feeling a sense of stability on the inside.
When I was 6 years old, I was constantly picked on by the kids at school. It made me feel weak, and I took it personally. I feel like I am different and not accepted for who I was, what I did, and what I said. When I was in grade 7, my English teacher put me into a classroom with students who struggled with their language and were not serious about learning. I didn’t know why she did it as it was never explained to me, and my English was very good. I felt humiliated, isolated, and not being treated fairly.
During high school, I used to play a lot of soccer with good friends, and we all tried to get into the school’s soccer team. All my friends made it to the team, and I was the only one who didn’t. Every afternoon during the week, my friends got to play soccer on the field, and I was stuck in the classroom with others who were interested in arts etc. I didn’t feel a sense of belonging in that class, and I wanted to play sports. I tried the second time, hoping that I could get into the soccer team. Again… I was rejected. I felt like I haven’t been given a chance to prove myself and that I wasn’t good enough for everything.
If I could, I really wish to erase my past. I don’t feel like I have much confidence in myself now, and I constantly think that I am not good enough. What have I done wrong, and I am really desperate to change that…