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"I don’t love your dad"

My parents have not once said “I love you” to me and they don’t show any affection, not at all. I remember there was a time, my mum said, “I don’t love your dad, and I married him because it was an arranged marriage”. I really don’t understand why things have to be this way. I feel like at the end of the day the children are the ones who have to deal with the consequences that come from a marriage that has no ‘love’.

I don’t like myself and it’s pretty hard for me to be confident with who I am. I don’t deserve things in my life, and I don’t have much self-worth, no sense of direction in life, I don’t know what I want to do in my life, and I keep trying to find happiness in the wrong places. I don’t know… I am lost…

Growing up as the eldest son in the family, there are many expectations that I ‘should’ live up to. I am expected to return home to Cambodia after completing my study, carry on with our family business, provide for the family, be an example to my brothers, get married and have children, and do what a man ‘should do’. Well…. I don’t want to live a life like that. I want to be me, and not having to think about others all the time. I don’t want to return home because I don’t like how the society lives in Cambodia, their conservative mentality, and me being a gay man adds another layer of challenges on top of everything else. What shall I do? Where am I heading to in my life? Who will I become in the next few years? Will I still be here? I don’t know… My mum is not talking to me at the moment since I came out to her. I am scared…

This necklace was given to me by my grandfather before he passed away. I was his most favourite grandchild, and it reminds me of the love and care he gave to me. I wear this every day and I feel like he is there with me. Grandpa, I miss you so much. Truly and deeply.


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